Drunken Nonsensical Rantings

How strange...

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 06:59:45 GMT

I read some of my back entries and I am finally noticing that this whole journal has mostly been about the same guy...that I started writing here more because I was writing about him and how I love him and how he can't love me back...

I find this strange because he has just left me again and I was drawn here and I have read the history of us and it just keeps repeating, repeating, and repeating...

For 5 years I have been swooning over him, crying over him, waiting for him...and he hasn't changed one bit in all that time.

And in all that time I still don't have the strength to just say fuck you and move on.

All this time and I still love him like crazy.

I am such a fucking loser.

SCREAM

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 23:50:12 GMT

The thing is, I am sad all of the time. I sleep most of the day, and when I'm not sleeping, I'm only sleepwalking through life, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere or talk to anyone. My only lifeline to the world is Adam, and I am resenting him something awful these days because he is greatly entanlged in my sadness. We laugh, we joke, we lay around...but in the end I feel like he doesn't want me anymore...that we have slid into this passionless friendship zone that only I seem to notice. I want to make out. I want to have sex. I want that tingly feeling I used to get when I would go see him to come back. I want the illusion back that I am the only one. But I'm not. There's others that I at least he knows he talks to, but when I ask how far he says they're only friends. And I watch him lie to my face and nod and drop the subject, only to bring it up the next day and ask him if we should just be friends, to which he always says no...we're great the way we are...and I...not wanting to lose what we do have, nod and drop the subject, only to cry myself to sleep before he comes home at night. We sleep together on opposite ends of the universe, and it is so lonely for me...so sad for us, that most days when I sit looking into his face and laughing at his stupid antics, I connvince myself that everything is ok...everything is perfect...he wouldn't be here if he didn't really want to be or love me. And breifly...I actually believe it.

But that's not it. That's just us. That's how we have always been. He's always had other girls and I've always been insecure and doubtful and we've always had this crippling uplifting kind of love. Even when we leave each other it binds us together, always reminding us that something crucial is missing even as we sigh with relief that it's gone. Our problem is that he's young, and he has a lot of catching up to do on life as most of it has been behind bars. I can't knock him for that or try to rush him into something he readily admits he's not ready for, though he wants it badly. I wouldn't respect him if he did, and he would resent me if I did, so here we are, muddling our way through...and at the end of the day we wrap around each other whipsering I love you, each hoping that it is still true for the other. And so we stay. As long as we say I love you and mean it, I will keep him here, even if it sometimes makes me miserable...because the love we share is the only thing i've ever had in my life that was real. Warped, but real...and maybe one day we'll be able to pull it together before life takes it chance to rip us apart.

Then there's being unemployed and my brother barely being here anymore. Every day I am afraid he will come to me to tell me he's leaving, and I will be here penniless and alone...a failure. I know I can always go home, but I don't want to go home. I have talked to Adam about being just roomates, and he thought about it for a minute...bringing up the subject of other people. I told him by then, if we're not together, we're not meant to be, and we'll just be friends and live as that. He agreed. So I guess in a way we've given ourselves a deadline. So I worry. I am uneasy with being jobless. I can't stand sitting home doing nothing all day. I am thinking about going to school, since the state will pay for it, and maybe finding a little side job to make ends meet. I feel so shiftlesss and useless...so invisible. I get up and go to these fucking doctors that can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me, and that only makes me feel lower, because I don't want to go looking for a job while I can barely breathe or stay awake all day. So I'm stuck. Waiting everyday for the bottom to fall out, while hoping something inside will change...that will cause everything else to change...and I can finally move in a positive direction. I am trying my hardest to be strong, to look at the good side, but I feel myself slipping into this lethargic darkness and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just want someone to hold me, tell me they love me, and let me cry until I can't cry anymore while they tell me that everything will be alright.

With all my heart, I need to believe that everything will be alight.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 20:56:56 GMT

i have not much been in the mood for writing...for thinking...for living actually.

i have been sick since the end of december. yes...i am still sick.

my birthday was truly a day i could have lived without. i got no gifts. isn't that precious? i turned 30 man, and friends that should have called at least, merely texted me, and ones that usually text me, forgot me all together. i kept thinking it was all a set up...that there was a party waiting for me somewhere with all my friends...but no. no one came to visit me. no extra special anything. mandy made me some rocking brownies and her and lola took me to applebee's for dinner. i...didn't even get a cake. and...it has really changed the way i feel about a lot of people and things. and sadly, no, it's not for the better.

on 3-3-06 i was called into work for a meeting on my day off and told that i was fired. 5 years. fired. no warning. just like that.

5 years.

now i am sitting here terrified of how to make the ends meet, and my mom is using this as an opportunity into scaring me back home. and it's like wow...i have had the most horrible month. i am still sick, now running from doc to doc like a mad woman before the end of the month and my benefits run out. it would help if i had some money to pay for these visits or whatnot...i am greatly tempted to turn to a life of crime. just until i can get on my feet and find another job...which will have to wait for me to get over this sickness and get some new work clothes. i have never...ever...felt so afraid, lost, or heartbroken.

speaking of hearts, adam basically lives here. comes home to me every night. i know eventually i will have to bring up the words...rent money. things have been strange between us...at least to me. he likes how we are. the old couple...no drama, no intrigue...no passion. he comes home and crawls over me and lies as far away as possible. it's like i sleep alone. we sit and we joke and chat during the day and we have fun....we do. i like being around him. i love him. but we hadn't had relations in a month. he doesn't even try to do anything. but to him, that's nothing. to me, it means something is wrong. but then, i think on it, and maybe it's just the guys that i'm used to. they cheated, and then they stopped being with me. i'm used to being pawed and manhandled, and i admit, it really upsets me when that doesn't happen. so i tried to chill about the sex thing. i kept asking him if he just wants us to be friends...he could still stay, still sleep in the bed, still everything...but we only take the friends and lose the with perks part. he adamantly says no, he's happy the way we are, the sex will get back on track once he slows down...yadda yadda yadda. and i, being the dumbass i am, seriously believe it is because he runs the street so much. he doesn't come home til like 5 most nights. and he sleeps hard the time during the day in which he's here. i know he talks to other girls...but i still don't see him sleeping with them. so i don't know. we're just a big ole ball of confusion. but at least he comforts me, or at least tries to when i get all upset about the sickness or the job thing.

it's nice having someone around that cares.

holy shit

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 05:52:04 GMT

Actually, no...I am not dead.

And unlike most times I come back, my life is NOT total shit right now. Yes...my job is severely unstable and I am worried about money, but I'm not stressing either. It will come when it comes.

Ah...you think this laid back approach is because my love life is great, do you not? Well you are wrong. Love life is alright. I am still hanging in there with Adam, though much has happened and I have been downgraded from being his girl to his bitch, but still toting the title of the love of his life, at least. It took me a long time, but I am accepting us and I am actually quite happy with where we are. We see each other, we don't...sometimes we call...sometimes we go a week without one...he talks to other girls...I have the option of talking to other guys. And it's all fine. The pressure to make us something we might not be ready for is off, and that's a very good thing. I always make the mistake of all or nothing when it comes to us. This time, I've eased off, and it seems...slowly, slowly...that what I want is coming around to me anyway. So in the end, there aren't really any compromises being made, just damage being undone and us making our way through it all...either to each other or away from each other. It doesn't matter. I wouldn't trade this love I feel for this boy for all the tea in China.

And Swiz...well...he's still drifting around...he'll always be drifting around. Always so close and out of my reach.

And the rest...well....everything seems to be falling together as it's falling apart. Deconstructive contructionism at it's best. Next month brings thirty, ya'll. Holla at me after the 18th to see if I'm still so zen.

And to those that dropped me notes and emails, I am so sorry I couldn't respond, but my work computer still blocks lj and my home one was possesed so I couldn't get on. I am now writing you from my brand new computer that is yet another bill for me to pay off...but by gosh...it's worth it!

So no...I'm not dead. And hopefully, some still remember me. I will be making rounds as I can. I'm sick right now, and we're mad understaffed at work so I do alot of work from home, but I will try to keep in touch with the ones I love the most here. You know who you are.

At least...I hope you still do.

Ciao babies.

Time for a change

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 03:50:50 GMT

As this year comes closer to closing at a frighteningly fast rate, I am forced to ruminate over the swift advance of...

THIRTY.

I am not really sure why this number scares the shit out of me the way it does, but it does. Fucking thirty. It’s like a foul word on the tongue, you know? I don’t really think it’s the age. I mean, so what, really. A year older. I don’t feel old…surely don’t act old (well…I’m still childish…I think I’ve been acting old since I hit 13)…so why does that number bug me so much? I’ll tell you why...

I have nothing to show for it.

Like dig it, no college degree, no house, fucked credit, no real relationship, no prospect of motherhood…nothing. Nothing. Thirty was supposed to have the kid, degree, and at least a townhouse tucked under its belt. Not nothing!! Not a bunch of false starts and broken promises and shattered dreams! I mean, the past few nights, I have been sitting up and staring at the walls, thinking about all the things I want to do. I keep trying to plan my future, but with my current relationship as precarious as it is, I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know if I should include him or not, and even though that might seem like a small thing, it’s not. I mean, kids…house…classes…financial stability…I can’t come up with a plan of attack that both includes and excludes him. Can’t do a plan A and plan B kind of thing. It’s like all or nothing, and I hate that.

But I can’t blame my stagnate state on my sometimes baby…it’s me too…my fears, my disappointments…my shortcomings. There are things that I know I need to do, but the moves to do them scare me so fucking much that I can’t find a way to take action. Job stability is a big one. Am I better than this job…hell yes. Should I leave…damn right. Chances of landing a good job…grim. Grim as far as keeping it. As many companies are downsizing and merging and cutting back on staff…I am so afraid to leave this shitty job for a better one, only to be fired from the new one and then have to settle for a job shittier than this one!! Or worse…not getting hired anywhere at all. Then what…no job, no unemployment…rent, utilities and a fat car payment…what comes next? Living on the street? If I was in a good relationship, a steady relationship, I don’t think I would really worry THAT much about it…because if I stumble, they can catch me and vice versa…you know? But I worry, I do, about ending up assed out, probably more so than others because that thought seriously does cripple me and keeps me from making the bold moves I need to make to get to where I want to be.

I am so fucking sick of being afraid of the future.

I tired of being afraid…period.

My Negotiator

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 04:28:18 GMT

Just when despair settles in and I am ready to leap,
he always finds a way to come
and save me...
to save us.

I don't ever want him out of my life. I don't want to ever know what it is like to exist without him with me again. I don't ever want to forget this love that lives inside of me that can only be touched by him.

I don't ever....I don't ever...I don't ever...

Promise me you'll always remind me...please...
promise me you'll never watch me just let him go...

because I've never been strong enough to hold onto what really matters to me. I always slip into this noided funk and purposely do things to fuck shit up so that I'm not waiting for things to fall apart and hurt me even more.

If anyone is still here with me...promise, promise, promise...
I've never needed you guys more.

Wishing on fallen stars

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 04:39:16 GMT

If I could have one wish come true,
I would wish that love wouldn't be so complicated to give, comprehend, and accept.

Because then maybe....we would all understand each other and wouldn't feel the need to go to such idiotic and violent extremes just to get our point across.

We would all just know, understand, accept, and forgive...and we could all start over again with the revolution of love instead of this evolution of hate, and our children would never know what fear and stereotypes and war is, except for vague and unimaginable blurbs in history books that talk about guns that no longer exist that were used to fight over things like land and race and religion which are differences that seem improbable due to everyone embracing one another instead of cringing and screaming and pushing away.

And days like this would never...could never...happen.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Oh how I grieve for the fate of us all.

Just when you thought it was safe...

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 04:46:34 GMT

Funny thing is...I've run out of things to say.

My life is spiraling out of control and I seriously don't know how to stop it.

My relationship, my love, is on the skids. We have been having troubles lately...fighting mainly, but he will not let me go. I have proof pretty much, that he has been talking to other women, but until I have hardcore evidence, I have nothing but accusations that get rebuffed...and he will not let me go. I have tried several times to break it off, but he comes up with a legitamate argument to the contrary and begs me to stay but when I go to leave, he will not let me go.

Yesterday, we were finally together for a few moments. I saw him, and he lloked so different...but I still saw the mischevious boy I knew in him, and it was like no time had passed. I was jittery and nervous, but we fell into conversation easily, and before we could begin, it was over. They took him away from me but allowed him to call me. I was thinking the whole time, now it wiil be done...now he won't want me...but when he called he made sure to make something clear. "I love you, Thea. I just love you, ok?" he said, his voice miserable and broken, but he made sure to emphasize that...and say my name with authority, like he anted to get his point across...that he loves me...and he knows he loves me...and wants me to know it. I took his declaration gracefully, and admittedly, it touched my heart deeply before breaking it, because then my mind kept screaming, "Then why do you hurt me so?". And then it all came to me in waves, bits of information from his friend basically confirming what I have been thinking, but still my heart cries that it isn't true. And then I decide to cheat on him with Swiz, and every obstacle imaginable stopped me, and before I fell asleep last night, everything inside of me knew, it was for a reason. I am wrong about something with Adam...maybe the girls are just friends or the calls weren't made by him or maybe I just need to know for sure before doing something stupid, I don't know. I just know someone somewhere stopped me last night, and I'd be a fool not to heed that. And so, I am giving it one more chance...the chance he begged me for a week ago, and if I find out all is what it is, then we will just be friends, and maybe try to pick things up when he gets home. I just keep thinking, why would he lie? Why wouldn't he just take the out and be friends for now so he can talk to women freely? Why does the title mean so much to him? Why does he do things to piss me off, but then fight so hard to keep me?

And Swiz, yes, has resurfaced. We talked a few times, but then he was calling me in the middle of the night a couple of times, and each time I would just look at the phone and then turn over and go to sleep. So I know where his mind is. He wants to start up again. I would lie if I said I didn't feel good when he said he missed me and had lost my number when his phone broke and was hoping I'd call again. He promised to stay in touch this time. And now I am dreaming of him every night.

Let's add one more log to the fire shall we?

Nikki Giovanni has seen some of my poems and told my mom to get me to gather enough together to bring to her and she will help me get copyrighted and published. MY OWN BOOK. BUT I AM DRY AS AN OLD WELL. I have been trying to get some together, and I came up with a theme. Now I have to proofread and edit them before our next meeting, but I can't seem to find the time. I don't want to blow this chance, but I feel myself blowing it, and I am so angry at myself that I can't stand it...and I'm angry at my mom for pushing this now when I am going through so much with the repercussions from the accident and Adam and work and I am just going in too many directions to focus on one thing for long.

So my love is failing me, my lust is fueling me, and my dream is fading before my eyes.

What else is new?

Fri, 27 May 2005 04:57:46 GMT

i hate it when i can't express myself

right now i am feeling so many things that i never really know what im feeling

*sigh*

Jacked Up

Fri, 20 May 2005 04:00:28 GMT

Today was Jack's last day at work.

Golden Girls came on not too long ago...

and I can't stop crying.

Good Luck Jack...
with everything that went on...I always loved you.

That will never change.

I wish you love.

Nonsensical

Thu, 12 May 2005 04:53:29 GMT

Just to get this out of the way…

Is anyone else totally fucking bummed that Dave Chappelle has checked into a mental facility? I am so crushed. Damn the man!
Also...do not listen to Parachutes by Cold Play if you are:
A) Trying to stay mad at your lover
B) Feeling depressed or repressed
C) Driving at night and feeling a bit sleepy
D) Lonely and having nostalgic thoughts of your ex
E) Wondering why you and your ex best friend aren't friends anymore
F) All of the above

I give you a hint...the correct answer is the first letter in the phrase FUCK ALL!

Besides that….mad drama.

First, Adam and I have been going round and round lately. Not really arguing…just bickering. And not over anything, really. Just bickering. Not with animosity or anything…or anger…just like we’re talking AT each other and not TO each other. I’m saying this and he’s hearing that and he’s saying one thing and I’m thinking the other…but throughout it all…

Love.

So high, so big, so deep, so consuming that it’s ridiculous. And I don’t get it. You know? I don’t understand why everything has to be so complicated right now…or at least…I don’t know why I am making everything so complicated right now. It could all be so damn easy, but I insist on making things hard. Persist on starting arguments. Continue to make accusations. Stay creating altercations. Trying to push him away. Go, go, go…I scream, covering my ears and kicking at him. But no, no, no…he whispers, dodging my blows and trying to hold me still.
He won’t let me leave. He won’t let me fuck it up. He won’t prove me right.
He won’t stop loving me.
And instead of creating all this hurly burly all of the time, I am now trying to find a way to quiet my storm and find shelter in his arms…before the rain washes us away forever.

And then my mom.

When the fuck will it ever be anything but a fucking struggle or hustle with that woman? Everything has to be what she wants when she wants it and I am so damn tired of fucking tip-toeing through life because of her. Almost every bad thing I feel about myself is because of her, and its like she is oblivious of her damage to me. She acts like she was the greatest mom that tried her best and I’m just an evil spoiled brat that insists on being a bitch. It amazes me how she has totally rewritten our history to make it seem like she did all these wonderful things that I don’t appreciate. Are you kidding me? She didn’t raise me…she sheltered me. My grand mom raised me, so I don’t even want to hear it. All my life I have been blamed, ridiculed, ignored, or degraded BY HER. All my fucking life. And now…when I’m 29 and she’s sick and, God forgive me for saying this, two steps from death seemingly, now all of the sudden, she loves me? I get a poem published and now she’s saying she’s always supported me? I’M pulling MY life that SHE tried to fucking destroy together, and SHE’S pissed because I have animosity towards her sometimes? Are you shitting me? What the fuck?

I can’t…I cant even go on with it. I want to smoke so bad right now I’d suck Bush’s dick for a drag. JUST.A.DRAG.

I am trying to pool some money together because, SURPRISE, mother dear never came through with the food she promised us. There are so many things I need right now. Food, soap, clothes detergent, shit…clean clothes, cat food and litter…and on and on and on. I’m fucking struggling right now, man. I am barely holding it all together and I’m not sure if its because of the accident or quitting smoking and soda(sorta) or not getting any ass since December or what. I don’t know. I’m just fucked up. And I’m tired of complaining to Lola about it. So you guys are the lucky readers…that is…if anyone still reads this shit since I haven’t been able to get on my fucking computer really to do anything! So sorry for not answering ya’ll notes or commenting on entries lately. My time online is quite limited and some folks write so much that it’s hard to keep up. But I am…just know…I am still here.

And some sides of drama…

Two people who told me to order them my book have backed out on me. The fucking check for the deposit order just cleared. That means, I am going to end up forking out almost $120 for a book I didn’t really want anyone to buy in the first fucking place. Great. And Jen has been emailing me and I don’t know what to say…BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS!!!!!!! Why? Why is that? After how she fucking did me, I don’t even have the balls to tell her to fuck off because part of me missed her and I’m starting to think an even smaller part of me doesn’t want to see her go. I don’t know yet. I fucking suck. And I have been missing Swiz. Fuck if I know why. The other day I was looking at the De La Soul video and I actually started to cry because it made me think of him and the last time he was here and suddenly, he was all I could think about and I have been missing him ever since. I try to trick myself into not calling him. I have tried to forget his address and email name. I am trying not to think of him and sex and our friendship and how it’s all just…gone…like…we never existed to each other. And fuck it hurts. Even more so because I love Adam so differently than how I loved Swiz, but I feel like I am being unfaithful because I can’t stop thinking about him all of the sudden. I keep hoping to run into him somewhere…or that he’ll call…or someone will tell me something about him. And that’s just wrong, so wrong…because if he were to contact me or come see me…everything that I am trying so damn hard to hold together would just come utterly undone.

So here I go crying again…

Still wishing to change things I know I can’t and even if I could I shouldn’t. Sometimes it is so damn depressing being me that I feel sorry for people that fucking know me. No one should have to be around someone like this. Everything I touch I break.

Maybe if I could stop touching myself I would be so broken.

And I...um....then we....uh....what was I saying?

Wed, 04 May 2005 02:48:46 GMT

So I have been trying to gather the scattered corners of my existence together.

Nothing really major has been going on except the fact that my computer has been on steady decline. Life support is eminent. I have to buy a computer soon. I am getting sick of not being able to do any graphics on my computer. I never really got the chance to use my nifty scanner my brother got me, and when I tried to use it yesterday, it kept popping up with error messages.

I have never wanted to drop kick something so bad in all my fucking life.

I ordered the book with my poem in it. It was a pain in the ass trying to rally my mom to get in gear to give me the fucking money, and in the end I just said fuck it and did it myself. At least I know that I want to see my poem in print. Not too sure about the rest of my family, but then, why doesn’t that surprise me?

Things are great with Adam. Everyday he says something completely out of left field that is just so awesome that all I can do is smile to keep from crying. Of course, I have my moments when I totally spaz the fuck out over nothing and let my imagination get the best of me, but more and more, I am able to reign it in before I do any damage. It’s so weird, though. I’ve never been so sure about anything in all my life. Never. But at the same time, I am scared out of my mind that tomorrow I will wake up and he will be gone. Yesterday we were talking about nothing in particular, but two things he said made me melt like a wee bitch. First he said, “Well, you ain’t never leaving me period, so the whole point to this speculation is moot, don’t you think? I mean, when I say that, I don’t mean that in a possessive type way or anything. I mean it as nothing but death can keep me from you. We love each other too much for it to be any other way.” And then later he said, “I guess it sounds like I need you, huh? Well…I do. I need you, Thea. In every way imaginable. You mean everything to me…whether you know that or not.”

Is there any question why I love him so much?

And guess what? We still haven’t gone food shopping so we still ain’t got shit to eat in the house. So it’s like, wow…this is really fucked up. I don’t think it’s ever been this bad for so long. I want to break down and just use my own money to go shopping, but I really can’t afford to do it alone. I’m not the only one eating…why should I be the only one paying for shit? So I guess…we’re not eating out of principle.

Hats off to you Ghandi, cause this shit here is really for the birds.

I could never be political.

Seriously, I had something good to say…but I just completely lost my train of thought.

Damn.

What the fuck is that?!?!

WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 03:58:35 GMT

Holy mother of moronic monkeys masturbating in Morocco!!!!!!

Guess who is getting a poem published in a book?!?!?!

Go on....guess!!!!!

No....Noooo...Nooooooooo....

IT'S ME!!! I'M GETTING A POEM PUBLISHED IN A BOOK!!!!!!!!

I am so fucking happy right now I can't see straight!!! Me....the one that had given up on poetry...wrote a stupid poem as a joke and didn't even know it was going to be entered...and it was entered...and I was chosen!!!!

I.WAS.CHOSEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thousands was narrowed down to 200...and I am one of the two hundred!!!

Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD!!!!!

I AM GOING TO BE A PUBLISHED POET!!!!

I could do anything right now...want to do everything right now...
I even think I could fly.

Fuck yeah bitches...I have been recognized.

So this is how life begins, eh?

Bullets over Broadway

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 03:02:18 GMT

a lot has been going on...a lot of nothing.
but here's the highlights...and lowlights

* i am broke as all hell
* might have to stop going to the chiropractor because my car insurance is going to stop paying
* had a huge fall out with adam
* saw adam in a whole new beautiful light, and realized...without a doubt...he is the other half of my soul
* made up with adam
* am trying not to freakout so damn much and just love. that's all. just love.
* really giving thought to finding another job
* really mad at myself for leaving swiz a message wishing him a happy birthday
* i am not good at being an idle person
* my mom will always be the one person that pisses me off so bad i can't think straight
* i don't have a father...and that's ok
* my brother really has grown up and really surprises me sometimes
* i still haven't gotten my car fixed
* the crippled girl in the last act of whoopie's show on hbo reminds me a lot of myself, and i cry and have hope every time i see it
* we have no food in the house...still
* gas prices need to calm the fuck down...really
* i am trying to get healthy with lola..including stopping smoking
* lola is my best friend in the world
* no one...especially me is perfect, and it's ok to go crazy sometimes
* i am so in love right now...so dangerously in love...and it makes me happier than anything

that's my life summed up

I bet you always will...

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 04:02:51 GMT

So...

no drama lately...well...some drama...but I haven't really been beat to write about it. Plus, my computer was off at home so I didn't feel like fighting to get it back on until today because I came home early from work.

My life, as it is, revolves around Adam...and that's a good thing and a bad thing...but mainly it's a surprising thing. My life has NEVER revolved around anyone...more less a man...and this is taking a lot of getting used to. He is on my mind all day and in my dreams at night. Everything I do I try to think of his feelings and how he might react or what he might want me to do. We did have a fight (well...in my eyes we had a fight, he said it wasn't nothing) about me going to Club Karma Sutra with Lola. Granted...someone's girlfriend really shouldn't go to a place like that, but this is something we wanted to do before I got with Adam. He wasn't pleased, to say the least. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I wanted to go to a sex club just to go. So we went back and forth about it, and I was feeling some type of way, so...I started drinking again. I had to go out and get me a bottle of vodka just to turn the world off for awhile, you know? And he called me later that night, and I was nice and boozed up, so I was able to tell him that if he wanted to break up with me, he needed to do it while I was drunk so it wouldn't hurt so much.

He refused to break up with me. He just kept telling me he understands why I am unhappy, but he loves me and he plans on being with me as long as life will let him. He said I'm the only one he wants and the one he turns to...the one he admires...and he just needs me to try to be strong so he can be strong. And I really felt fucking stupid. Almost everyday I tell Lola either he will break up with me or I want to break it off with him, and then he calls and nothing ever happens. She tells me to stop being so negative, that we love each other and I have to believe in that and stop making shit worse in my head, and she's right. I really do need to stop before I DO lose him. But at the same time, I need to stop making everything in my life about him and stop telling him everything and just live my life. It's just hard. I have been single or in bad relationships so long, I don't know how to act like someones girlfriend.

It just amazes me, you know? How much he loves me. And he really does love me, even though I'm odder than chinese food at a picnic.

Why can't I just accept that? Why can't I just let him love me?

I think about you all the time...I always have...and I can't wait to be with you so I can look into those beautiful eyes tell you I love you until you believe it

The Edge Of Me

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 04:19:50 GMT

Some people are just born jumpers...while others are born to be negotiators.

I have always thought of myself as a negotiator. I have always been the one that tries to keep my friends from jumping...jumping into trouble, jumping into sadness, jumping into love.

I never understood the mentality of a jumper. They seem so sporadic and all over the place...they have always seemed so stupid to me. I pity jumpers...because they never think. They never see more than what they want to see and then they jump into situations that they regret and wait to be saved.

I have always thought of myself as a negotiator...and I am good at what I do.

But today, I realized that I am also a jumper. More than likely I'm schizophrenic and one of my alter personalities is a jumper, because today I was standing on the precipice with my arms open wide, ready to leap into oblivion just because I wanted to know what it would feel like to fall. And I noticed that I have been doing that more and more lately...jumping into shit with both feet and my eyes wide open, and then lying at the bottom of the ravine broken and bruised, crying for someone to come and help me. I jumped for Ben, I jumped for Swiz, and I jumped for Adam. When I jumped for Ben, I just wanted to hit the bottom to prove a point. When I jumped for Swiz, I did it just to prove that I could. When I jumped for Adam, I did it because I believed that this time I could fly. Though I hate Ben, I don't regret it, and though I regret Swiz, it was the best free fall, and though I am afraid of Adam, I would do it all over again...day after day...for the rest of my life.

But today I almost jumped to get away from the fear...away from Adam. You see, I can't control anything with him right now. Not our situation, not his actions, and definitely not my emotions...and thinking myself as a negotiator, I figured the best way to show I have control would be to jump away from him...away from the pain...away from the chaos. I was going to destroy us just to prove that I could...just to have that control.

I am forever thankful to God that he put Lola into my life...because every time I come to an edge, she runs up to hold my hand and keep me from jumping.

Thanks for Lola, for always being my negotiator.

I think today she may have saved my life.

I will love her forever.

Birthday Wishes

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 04:12:24 GMT

HEY VIVACAT!!!!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

I HOPE YOU ROCKED YOUR LITTLE SOCKS OFF!

Sorry, it's late, but you know....my computer has been iffy.

Mad love, little sweetie.

Always.

Dude....REALLY!!!!

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 01:59:41 GMT

I have come to the conclusion that I am in major need of some sex.

I mean…like MAJOR need. What makes me realize this? I am almost ashamed to admit it, but two things happened today where I had to reign myself in and be like “What the fuck?!?”

First one was after everyone left work and Adam called. We kicked it for a minute, but then he asked me to hold on and asked some dude to hold the phone for him. Dude started flirting…talking about he saw my pic and I had sexy voice…yadda, yadda, yadda…and lord help me but I flirted back!!! For like a minute and a half we went back and forth before I ended it by saying, “I love my man though, am crazy in fucking love, so I’m not really the one to help you out with that.” He said something lame like “He got that on lock like that?” to which I hesitated, but said a strong, “You know it.” And then Puppy(Adam) got back on the phone and told me he loved me and I went all gooey in the middle.

I am SO going to hell!!!

Then…going home, I was stopped by some chick in the parking lot that wanted to bum a cig. She said something about liking how my hair frames my face or some shit, and dude…I think we were flirting with each other. I have no clue how we started talking about sex…something about one of her tattoos…which lead to her piercings…which led to sex…well…small fucking world, because it turns out we used to work together at USSB, and she said she remembered me. Said she remembered I had a thing for Deep Throat and I started laughing. We used to call Ric Deep Throat…but you see how that could parlay into sex. It wasn’t until I noticed how close she was standing when she asked for my number that I was like whoa. Like I said, I’m not sure if we were flirting, but it kind of felt like it. So uh…yeah…I need to laid out right nice real soon.

Sometimes…SOMETIMES…I fucking miss Swiz so much it isn’t even funny.

This is one of those times.

Besides being horny as hell and not trying to fall apart, nothing much has been going on. My computer at home has been acting a straight fool, so it seems like I will have to wipe it clean ONCE AGAIN, so I can get it working again. I am mighty sick of this shit.

But the other day I came home to a huge Hallmark bag in the middle of my bed. The card said, “I saw this and thought you’d like it, love, J-dizzog.” I opened the box and it was a huge statue of three dolphins jumping out of water. I’m not really into dolphins, but I love the color blue, and it is a bunch of beautiful shades of blue. I fucking love it.

Sometimes, not often, my baby brother does the sweetest fucking thing it makes me cry.

This was one of those times.

And, you know what? Work was so fucking boring today. And I have only $49 to last until next Thursday and I have to do laundry and my tank is on E. You do the math. And I am back to writing in my old journal, but it makes me sad every time I look at it, because it’s the one that Jenny gave me and whenever I open it, it always falls open to the page where I say, “I love Jen so much. I am so glad we are good friends. She calls me her soul mate. I like the sound of that. Maybe she is. Maybe we’ll know each other forever. I hope so. I love her so much.” Boy…was I ever wrong on that one! I’m starting to think maybe we were crushing on each other like everyone said. We were really close…maybe a bit too much. But whatever. We don’t even know each other now so what does it matter? And you know what else? I am Puppy’s fucking love slave…I am. I am so totally, butt fucking crazy in love with this man that I don’t know what to do with myself half the damn time. And Lola is the bestest friend ever. No reason why, she just is. And I still don’t have food in my house. And my godson came over and ate all my fucking Easter candy and I wanted to kill him. And my cat only likes to sit in the tub when it’s filthy…what’s up with that? And I really want a steak right about now. And I love the song “Anna Begins”. And I molest my bunny on my desk everyday while I’m thinking about Puppy. By molest I mean I hug him and pet him and play with his hair…not like Michael or anything…no…I do NOT want to be like Mike. And my car stinks and really needs to be cleaned. And sometimes I want to cry for no reason. And sometimes I’m really hyper for no reason and talk a freaking blue streak.

And sometimes I write random, stupid entries just because I can.

This is one of those times.

Please no....

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 05:47:52 GMT

He hasn't called me or texted me all freaking day.

I.AM.FREAKING.THE.FUCK.OUT.

I am so worried...I have a bad feeling...

please, please, please, please, PLEASE let me be wrong...

PLEASE...

The things we say

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 04:52:51 GMT

Over the past few days, people have said some things to me that have really had me thinking and scrutinizing myself.

"I am sorry for whatever happened to you in your childhood to make you this way. You would rather push people you love away than love them because they might leave you."
My mom said this to me out of the blue on Easter. We weren't even talking about anything. She just looked at me and said it, and then turned away and kept stirring the gravy. I'm not even sure why she said it. I had been pleasant and cheery all day, and she just turns and says that...and then turns away as if nothing was said. I sat away from the rest of them then and thought real hard about it. I DO do that. I know I do...I just didn't know that OTHER people know that I do that. I wish I knew exactly why I do it...I mean...I can say it's because my father left me or when I saw my grandma die I was never the same or when I was young my dog ran away...I can say it's these things, but I'm not really sure it's these things. I could just be defective. I might just be a bit off in the head and my logic is screwy so I think that my way is the right way and the rest of the world is wrong. I don't know what it is. I don't understand how someone so full of love and so desperate to be loved, can be so stupid as to chasing love away once it comes to me. I wonder if that will ever change.

"Just because you haven't written poetry in awhile doesn't mean you're not a writer. You should never give up on that dream. Writing is what you've always loved...it's like breathing to you. Would you just stop breathing?
My dad asked me if I was still writing poems and I said no. He asked me if I still worked on my book, I said no. I told him my muse left me and I haven't written poetry in so long that I don't think I know how to write anymore. I told him my book was a stupid pipe dream and no one would really want to read my shit, better yet pay for it. I sounded so jaded that I really wanted to cry. I used to LOVE to write. I would accost blank paper with a vengeance with little snippits of poems and verses and words that I wanted to use as titles or work into a poem. Poetry, at one point in time, was my only joy in life. And I think I was good at it. Then one day...it left me. I just stopped writing. Writing it, reading it, thinking it, breathing it...poetry...just left me cold. And I never thought of myself as a writer...I thought of myself as a poet...there's a difference to me. Writers are gritty to me...poets are beautiful. I don't know why I think that way, but I do. Being a poet made me feel...beautiful...important...tagic. I haven't really been the same since poetry left me, but maybe dad is right. Maybe I am a writer. Maybe that's all I ever was and I need to embrace it. And then poetry will find me worthy and come back to me. I took a survey today and this was the result...and since then...I've been thinking...poetry just might be on its way back to me after all.
Your General Poetic Knowledge Score is 10 out of a possible 11. You have an excellent grasp of poetic form, structure, and technique. People at this level have generally taken advanced-level study in literature or have completed advanced poetry courses. They have often spent considerable time writing, developing their own poetic "voice," and their own techniques. People at this level, particularly if they can apply their knowledge of poetic form and structure to their own work, are considered among the most talented of poetic artists.
Now how about that?

"After all, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't want to know what was wrong?"
Lola said this to me when I apologized for being such a bitch to her that day I was falling apart. She had come to me and was concerned and I acted like a total ass and was rude to her and hurt her feelings. And I am so sorry for that, Lola...more than you'll ever know. She texted those words and I realized that maybe I don't know how to be a good friend or appreciate a good friend. I never had anyone really be concerned about how I am or what I am feeling...I've always been that for other people. Lola is the only friend that has been as good to me as she is, so in a way may be she is the only real friend I have ever had. And I don't know how to handle that. I'm used to criticism and indifference...not compassion and love. I need to get the fuck over that. I need to learn how to trust people and let them in. Lola is one of the most beautiful people I know, and knowing that I have hurt her shames me to no end. I will never do that again. If I have to spend my life making up for it, I will. I never want to know what it's like not to have her in my life. So again, if you read this girl, I am so sorry. Thank you for forgiving me, thank you for loving me, thank you for being my friend. I may seem unappreciative, but you mean the world to me.
I just hope you really know that.

"I don't know what has happened to you with the guys in your past, but that's what they are...in the past. I am here now and I love you. No matter what you might think, it's true...no matter what might happen, it will always be true. Just let me love you, and I will treat you like the queen I see you as. My queen...my love."
Adam said this on Saturday. I'm not sure why he said it, as we were having a nice conversation, but I think it was from that shit I had said on Friday. I think that just stayed on his mind. I mean, truthfully, this is all new to me, the whole long distance confined call type thing. I know the boy I loved, but this man he is now is new to me, too. We're trying to build something built on who we were while trying to lace who we are into it, and it really scares me. He tells me love and I want to believe it, but damn, I am way past the age when I believed in such things. But at the same time, I love him. More than anything. True and pure...and I'm sure. I don't doubt my love for him...I just question his love for me. And that is hurting us. I have to stop fighting and start believing because I swear, he lights me up like no one ever has. No one has ever touched my heart the way he has and because I'm a punk, basically, I'm subconsciously pushing him away. I love him. When he comes home he will always be welcome in my house and my life and my heart. I know nothing will change that. But I have to tell him this. I have to make him believe that THIS is what I really want. He is my love.
Since I got the Tweet CD (the first one) I have had this one song on repeat. It's our song, our story. Funny how I found this song just when I need it most. Funny how all these things were said to me when I need most to hear them. Funny how finally...I am ready to listen.

Always Will by Tweet
You keep telling me
That I'm way too sure
Of you loving me long time
But I bet you always will

In so many ways
I've run off on you
And you've been loving me long time
And I bet you always will

We're inseparable
Cause your soul's with mine
And you've, you've been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you go sail here across the ocean
I bet you always will

You can't take away
And you can't forget
That if you been loving me long time
And I bet you always will

You are worthy
Cause it's evident
That you been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you can go sail the ocean
I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
The Earth or the Moon
Heart to heart, we're still in tune
And you know, you know, hearts don't lie
I don't even care if we're not together
Cause that's the part that never lasts forever
I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you can sail the ocean
I bet you always will

I bet you always will....

Our first and last fight

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 18:53:19 GMT

Why do I even fucking bother anymore? Seriously? Why the fuck do people have to make everything about them even when you tell them it's not? Why do some people have the great knack of making an already heady and bad situation worse, then turn around and try to make it seem like you did it? Why do some people just WANT to fucking argue?

What the fuck ever, dude. Then don't talk to me. Fucking leave my life. Fucking hate me then.

I'm only going to apologize but so many times and let you make me feel bad but so much. We both fucked up, but somehow, I'm the one that's at fault now, and I have to sit here and bite my tongue and just let you go at it because I don't want to say things to make it worse because I love you and respect you and understand what you're saying but you don't understand me. I don't know why it took me so long to see that.

Sometimes, you just have to let people go from your life. Never wanted it to be you...but I guess it has to be. If this is how you want it, then fine. Have it your way. I never said we weren't tight anymore or I didn't love you, and I'll never say that I don't. I'll always love you, but I just won't bother you anymore...not like we we talk or see each other much anymore anyway...and that alone is sad.

Why do things have to end this way?

Zsa Zsa Zsu

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 05:28:08 GMT

I'm running on no sleep since yesterday morning at 9:30 am.

Last night I was up all night talking to Adam. He said I was a nutcase, but his nutcase...and he plans on keeping it that way.

Isn't he cute?

Went to the chiropractor this morning, and can I just say...ouch!?!? I mean, the little pulsating punch thing down my spine was cool, but then he fucking cracked my neck and then my damn shoulders and head start hurting. I've had a fucking headache all day because of that. And some chest pains. Um...so I'm really not looking too forward to going there three times a week if this is how I'm going to feel each time.

And then, the book I'm reading...Candy by Luke Davies, is being made into a movie with Heath Ledger playing the lead!!! I am dying to see how he handles playing a heroine addict. Some reason I think I might think it's sexy.

There's a girl at work that I thought I liked but I don't like her so much now. It's going to be fucking wonderful working with that.

Fat Actress is awesome. And The L Word. And tomorrow the season finale of Carnivale comes on AND a new ep of Desperate Housewives. Woot!!

My other brother came over and downloaded a bunch of shit on my computer and now it's acting buggy again. I'll fucking kill him if something goes wrong.

Yeah...I'm not feeling too good. Maybe I'm sleepy. Or maybe the headache is getting to me.

I don't know.

I am so totally confused right now.

The Wrong Side

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 03:24:56 GMT

Sometimes, you just wake up wrong.

For no reason, you open your eyes and you realize you are in a foul mood and you are completely baffled as to why. Everything you see makes you angry at first, but as the minutes tick on and you do more things, you are overcome by sadness…a stagnating, inexplicable sadness that seems to color everything. Sometimes, you wake up and the world seems like such a frightening and unsavory place that all you want to do is sleep the years away like ole Van Winkle and wake up to a better time. Sometimes, your emotions lose their reasoning, and all that was up goes down and everything that was straight is now confused with sharp turns.

Sometimes you just wake up wrong.

Today was like that for me.

I came into work angry, but as I sat at my desk it melted into sadness. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because for some reason I felt like if I were to open my mouth, I would start to cry. And I didn’t understand why…still don’t understand why. Yesterday, I was floating, you know? Not deliriously happy, but not depressed either…just…floating. Nothing was too serious. It was just a cool day.

Then I wake up today in such a foul mood that my hands and teeth were actually clenched before the grogginess even wore off. So I don’t want to talk to anyone. The pain in my back and temples is dull and annoying, but tolerable. I am just wishing the world away and then he calls.

Talk about bad timing.

He thinks I’m pissed because he didn’t call me last night, so that actually does piss me off. Like I don’t know he has other people to call or that other people call him. Like I would really hold that against him when I know the phones there have been acting up. Like I’m that fucking petty. So then he asks what’s wrong and I say nothing. Well he doesn’t like my tone…he doesn’t like my attitude…he asks if I’m on my period…and now…well…now I’m livid. If I say nothing is wrong then leave me the fuck alone. It’s that simple. I’m not one of those people that say that shit and want people to keep prodding me. No. I say that, I mean that….nothing is wrong, so just leave me alone. Yeah, I’m lying…but if I say nothing and you can tell by my tone I don’t want to talk, then I don’t want to talk.

Oh, but then we have to go round and round with the “What’s your problem?!” shit, and I keep asking him to drop it and just when he’s about to hang up finally, I start crying like a bitch. I try to play it off, but he knows right away, and then he’s on me asking, “Now why you crying?!” and I get sadder and pissier because I honestly have no fucking clue. I really don’t. So I make it about him…about us…and pretty much call him a fucking moron for wanting to be with me. I try to get more out, but I don’t really want to talk because I’m sitting at my fucking desk trying to hide the fact that I’m crying from everyone else. I want him to leave me alone, but he won’t. He just keeps talking. Asking why don’t I love myself or believe that he loves me. I don’t answer. He then asks why am I with him. I don’t answer. He asks me why am I really crying. I don’t answer. He tells me he’s not getting off the phone, and I threaten to hang up on him and tell him to just go to Jumar. He actually sounded hurt at that. And then I’m feeling worse. Because I know as I’m sitting there, I’m fucking us up…purposely fucking us up…and I don’t know where any of it is coming from. As much as I wanted him to hang up, I didn’t want him to give up on me…but then I was annoyed that he assumed he could make it better. And then I realized that I was mad at him…because I was here feeling sad and shitty and he’s not here with me. And nothing we do can change that right now. And I hate it.

He tries so hard to make me feel better. He says nice things and tries to give me philosophical answers to either confuse me or make me feel better, and whenever he gets stumped, he just croaks out he loves me in a broken, sullen voice that rips at my heart. He calls me beautiful and that I’m his lady and that if he has to be the one to be my confidence then he’ll be that…he just wants me to cheer up…please cheer up…and act like his bunny again. And I try…I do. He even makes me laugh once before he hangs up.

But the sadness remained. And now…now I’m scared of what this might have done to us. If he will see me different now. If he really will start asking himself why the fuck he would want to be with me and decide to leave me alone. And I would deserve it. I would hate myself forever and wonder how the fuck I was dumb enough to push love away. I wouldn’t have anyone to blame but myself.

In the end, that’s always all I have left.

Sometimes, you just wake up wrong…and when that happens, just roll back over and sleep until you wake up right. You will save yourself a lot of grief.

Trust me on this one.

Happy birthday, Baby

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 04:06:30 GMT

Today is my love's birthday.

He called ME this morning just to tell me he loves me because last night the phone was broken and he didn't have a chance to call.

I love him so much...he takes all other pains away.

I will love him forever.

I was born to love him.

I just hope his love for me will last.

Okay....

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 04:06:16 GMT

"...So let me just get this straight...I was hit from behind by one of YOUR customers and in order for me to get my car fixed which is messed up as a result of that, I have to make a $300 deposit for a rental car that I wouldn't even need if I hadn't been hit in the first place?"

"Yes ma'am. That's their policy, not ours. We pay for everything for 5 days of rental, but that deposit is a security measure we can not waiver."

"Five days? And if it takes you more than 5 days to fix, I have to pay for, right?"

"...Yes..."

"And if you don't have the money for any of this? What then? I don't get my damn car fixed?"

"...Ummmm..."

"And in order for me to be checked out by a doctor because I am in pain from the aforementioned accident, I have to miss some work probably AND pay for the visit?"

"Yes."

"And this is for someone COMPLETELY NOT AT FAULT!??!"

"Yes."

"And this makes sense to people? People actually go along with this?"

"Yes ma'am...it's...uh...our policy."

Fuck all this shit. Now I see why people get pissed off and just sue the fuck out of everybody.